Housework Avoidance Hints

"Housework can kill you if done right." ... Erma Bombeck

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is
constantly making exciting discoveries." ... A. A. Milne

Laundry... one of those evils that should be abolished.

I find it incredibly perverse that if you do a search using the word "housework" search engines, you find yourself on my home page. It's only there because I mention in the first 500 so bytes that I hate housework. Something has to be done, since millions of other housework-hating people have come to my page for solace, comfort and perhaps looking for a way to assuage their guilt.

Or maybe you were looking for household hints?

Oh dear.

If you came here looking for an easy way to get a stain out of a rug or a tip to make washing dishes quick and easy, you came to the wrong place. Sorry!

I could give a hint or two about quick and easy dish washing . . .

However, I'm afraid that telling you to use paper plates and buy take away food isn't exactly politically correct or thoughtful of the ecology. Then again, you can buy recycled paper products if it makes you feel better. We can all be grateful they have not yet invented recycled take away food, although by the taste it seems that some places are working on it

Avoiding Housework

Philosophy #1:

It's always going to be there no matter what you do, so you may as well quit surfing the Internet and get it done, eh? Come back when you're finished, if you have any energy to spare.

Philosophy #2:

While there are some things that you just can't let slide, there are other things you can. I've always found it interesting how people can have different priorities when it comes to this philosophy. I have a dear friend who put ALL housework in the "let it slide" category who ended up being evicted from her own apartment, so I don't recommend you let everything fall by the wayside. Then there are those who cannot stand to have one thing out of place and don't stop until everything is neat and tidy. If you're one of those folks, bugger off and find the Good Housekeeping Web pages. This page is for the neat-impaired not the neat-all-the-time. If it weren't for you, we would have nothing to feel guilty about. Anyway, in moderation, this philosophy does have some merit. The dust on your bookcase isn't going to suddenly congeal and turn into a dustmonster overnight. Don't believe me? Try it! If the dishes in the sink are nasty and it bothers you (it should), get them out of your sight by washing them, but don't let the dust bunnies in your life make you miss other more important things like watching the sunset or . . . browsing the web.

Philosophy #3:

Hide it. I once took my own advice on this one. When I was a kid, my mother left me a note telling me to vacuum (a very wise woman!). I didn't feel like vacuuming that day, so I "lost" the vacuum cleaner by hiding it in the garage. This ploy worked for about half an hour after Mom came home from work, when I found out that hiding important appliances is not a good idea. However, if you wander through your home and pick up all the things that are out of place (candy wrappers, the sea shell Aunt Martha sent you that you have no idea what to do with, and put it in a bag, suddenly it doesn't look so bad. Later, you can sort through the bag and put things in their proper place, but what do you do with the horrible looking sea shell from Aunt Martha? You can't just throw it away, now can you? So hide it. Put it in a box of things to get rid of someday and forget it. Don't go hiding the dirty dishes or trash. It's unhealthy.

Philosophy #4:

Forget about it. There is something to be said for absent-mindedness, but unfortunately I can't remember what it was . . .

Incidentally, this can be used together with philosophy #3, and is known as "hide it and forget it".

Philosophy #5:

Procrastinate. If you wait long enough someone else might just do it for you! And by the way, this also works well with #3, which is known as "hide it and get around to sorting it all out. . . later"

Philosophy #6:

If you live with someone else, leave them a note and ask them to do whatever it is you don't want to do (or don't have time to do). The trick to this one is to use it sparingly, as otherwise you'll have a revolt on your hands. My mother was a master at this philosophy and it worked well for her when she was a working Mom. (Ok, aside from the time I hid the vacuum cleaner).

Philosophy #7:

Only for those who can actually afford such luxury . . . HIRE someone else to do it for you. I've always been afraid to hire anyone, lest they see those things I've hidden and forgotten....

Philosophy #8:

Let it slide until you hear your favourite Aunt Martha is going to visit, then run around and clean like mad. The problem with this philosophy, is that if you don't get much company your job will be much harder when you do. And you'll just have to face embarrassment if you have unexpected guests. I once tried *pretending* that a favourite relative was coming for a visit, but it just didn't work. You might want to put yourself to the trouble of having a regular weekly guest, as that way you'll always have reason enough to get it done. Either that or your guests will learn to live with your dirt if you slip into philosophy #4 or 5.

Philosophy #9 - Let your computer do it for you:

My sister sent me this gem...

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER

Open a new file in your PC.
Name it "Housework."
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
All done. Feel better?

Housework Excuses

Sooner or later, you'll have to make an excuse for enjoying your leisure time. Here's several reasons why the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, whatever didn't get done today:

I couldn't find the kitchen sink.
I couldn't find the kitchen.
I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner.
I couldn't find the washing machine.
I couldn't find the house.
I forgot.
I left a note for (fill in the blank) and they forgot.
I left a note for (fill in the blank) and they couldn't find the kitchen sink, kitchen, vacuum cleaner, washing machine, house, etc.
Old standby: I had to work today and I'm too tired to do it now.
The dog ate the house.
For the politically correct: Cleaning agents are harmful to the environment.
I'm allergic to (a) dust (b) work (c) cleaning agents.
The housekeeper didn't show.
The housekeeper refused to come in until this mess is cleaned up.
I hate housework!
There's NO WAY I'd want to be responsible for injuring a family member of this cute little guy. He's the Dust Puppy from UserFriendly (http://www.userfriendly.org).
From Stewart Meyers:
My house is part of the closed system that is the universe. The second law of thermodynamics states that entropy (disorganization) will always rise in a closed system. Therefore, housework, while reducing the entropy in the house, will only result in even greater entropy in the universe as a whole. Why fight physics?
From Linda Tanner:
I have always had a "dream house" in mind: a small one-room house with a slanted floor, and on the bottom of the wall on the lowest side are little "mouse-holes". Now, when the floor gets dirty, which seems daily around here, I could just get out my garden hose and hose it down. Ah, house cleaning could be fun and easy...

If you're fretting over missing socks, check out The Bureau of Missing Socks

I'm happy to report that no cleaning products have been used in the construction of the web page. That's something I love about HyperText. When it's done right, it doesn't require cleaning. I hope you've enjoyed your visit and if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you'd wash the coffee cups before you leave. Cheers!

If you have any better excuses for why the housework didn't get done, feel free to share them with me.

This Page Last Updated: 23-Apr-2006

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